Such an important topic. After being sober for about 3 years, I found myself nodding along incessantly while reading all of Dana’s insights. Thanks for sharing!
i've learned SO much through working as Dana's editor, and it's a hugely proud moment for me to see her supremely helpful, thoughtful answers here on club reticent, a newsletter I adore. i'm currently 28 days sober, and while i've spent the last decade stopping and starting again, this time feels tremendously easier, and I think it's because I am carrying Dana's wisdom with me along the way. I know the reasons for not drinking are vast and varied among all of us, and I may never feel comfortable calling myself "sober," but I do finally feel that I am ready to make a long-term commitment to not drinking.
as for whether or not being sober has ruined my life, I can say from experience that:
- the first 2-3 weeks are the hardest (even if you were always a light drinker like me)
- refusing the first drink at a social gathering/on a date is the most difficult - after you order that first n/a drink, it's smooth sailing
- the worst thing about not drinking at a social gathering is that you'll inevitably go home earlier than usual. shrug.
- you are still just as fun, charming, and capable of joy as when you're buzzed off that first or second drink. the only difference is that your discernment is heightened, so if a party or date sucks, you won't be able to pretend otherwise like you might if you were buzzed. to me, this doesn't make me a bore (although in the early days it's tempting to feel like one) - it actually makes me feel increasingly radical and badass
eep okay that's enough from me! thank you both for putting this together MWAH
I feel tremendous gratitude to have you as my editor, Erin! I always know my words will be received with such care. I also love these observations from your experience - they’re so honest, resonant, and reassuring. ❤️
Dana is a star!!! I'm so grateful to you for putting together this wonderful piece and to Dana for speaking candidly about her sobriety experiences. You already know, but this is exactly what I needed to read.
This is great. I stopped drinking 15 months ago, like you I had no middle ground. I didn’t understand the point of 1-2 drinks, I was all-in. I read a lot and also used Annie Grace’s book and program to help get me through the tough times. I love not drinking and my “North Star” has been getting back to my authentic self (the good and the bad). Alcohol helped me play a role for many years; extroverted, socially comfortable and life of the party which is not who I am. So now I am perhaps not as exciting but I am at peace with myself. It’s the best decision I could have made.
"Alcohol helped me play a role for many years; extroverted, socially comfortable and life of the party which is not who I am." Barry, I relate so much to this. It was really shocking to me when I got sober and found out I'm actually an introvert. 😅
Yes, Kaitlyn! Alcohol changes our personalities. I learned that drinking shuts down the pre-frontal cortex (rational decision-making) in our brains. Inhibitions and social anxiety are temporarily gone. Crazy!
Love this piece! And admire both of you for being so open and honest. Thanks!
I have not fully stopped drinking, but can go months without. My main reason to change my drinking habit, besides all the things mentioned in your article, was that it made me tired. One glass of wine after work and my evening was lost.
Such an important topic! Almost five years sober too, and for similar reasons, I can relate to everything in this interview. Turns out I just like elaborated drinks and keeping company, no need for anything else. I found out that being sober yourself creates a positive influence in people, they are willing to trade their drinks for the mocktail to try out and makes them more comfortable in not drinking themselves
I've been sober for a year and a half for health reasons (I do have doctor's orders not to drink bc of a health condition), and I completely understand where you're coming from. Those first months are hard and awkward. But Dana did an excellent job at explaining the benefits of going sober and how amazing you will feel! My advice for making sobriety fun: enjoy all the mocktails/zero proof drinks while you're out, and enjoy the show when observing people who are drunk haha.
I relate to so much of what was said in this essay and interview. I have been sober off and on for the past 12 years. I really relate to wanting to be a "normal" drinker, but even when I come back to drinking moderately, it always ended up in binge drinking on the weekends. Like Dana said, even small amounts of alcohol affect my sleep and self-esteem, and the hangover anxiety for me was crippling.
I finally decided to go completely sober for good this year. In previous times it would be for a month, or for a year, or for six months. But now I want to just choose a better life for myself. I have experimented so much with sobriety over the years and I know I am my happiest and most productive when I am sober.
I have always said that I want to make my life a masterpiece, and alcohol does not fit into that equation. I finally just realized that I can be successful and fulfill all of my dreams, or I can get drunk on the weekends. I cannot do both. And when I look at it this way, it's not a hard choice.
I have a lot more to say on this, but I want to add that I think alcohol served a purpose over the years to help me cope with a lot of things. I know that's not the conventional way to look at alcohol use, but after doing many years of therapy and self-healing, I no longer want to check out and avoid the issues that alcohol was letting me avoid. I want to be present and live my life, and I am working on forgiving myself for the self-harm I have done by consuming so much poison over the years.
This is a great discussion. Alcohol slowly phased itself out of my life over several years, due to health issues, but I can echo much of what Dana says. The clarity and connection to self and others are much greater without alcohol present. My yoga and meditation practices have reached deeper layers. I can hear my intuition more clearly. And my choices around socialising have changed - these days I prefer to meet people for brunch, a walk, or a trip to the beach. I tend to avoid bars and parties, which as an introvert are no longer tolerable without the buffer of booze. But as I've aged through my 40s and beyond, this does not feel like a loss! My husband still drinks, and that can be a point of disconnect at times, but it hasn't been insurmountable. We respect each other's choices on the whole.
Thank you for inviting me to have such an honest and beautiful conversation, Valerie. It can feel scary to share in a new space, and my heart is so full reading the inspiring, generous comments. ❤️
Such an important topic. After being sober for about 3 years, I found myself nodding along incessantly while reading all of Dana’s insights. Thanks for sharing!
3 years!! that’s huge Jake. massive props to you & thank you for sharing 🤍
i've learned SO much through working as Dana's editor, and it's a hugely proud moment for me to see her supremely helpful, thoughtful answers here on club reticent, a newsletter I adore. i'm currently 28 days sober, and while i've spent the last decade stopping and starting again, this time feels tremendously easier, and I think it's because I am carrying Dana's wisdom with me along the way. I know the reasons for not drinking are vast and varied among all of us, and I may never feel comfortable calling myself "sober," but I do finally feel that I am ready to make a long-term commitment to not drinking.
as for whether or not being sober has ruined my life, I can say from experience that:
- the first 2-3 weeks are the hardest (even if you were always a light drinker like me)
- refusing the first drink at a social gathering/on a date is the most difficult - after you order that first n/a drink, it's smooth sailing
- the worst thing about not drinking at a social gathering is that you'll inevitably go home earlier than usual. shrug.
- you are still just as fun, charming, and capable of joy as when you're buzzed off that first or second drink. the only difference is that your discernment is heightened, so if a party or date sucks, you won't be able to pretend otherwise like you might if you were buzzed. to me, this doesn't make me a bore (although in the early days it's tempting to feel like one) - it actually makes me feel increasingly radical and badass
eep okay that's enough from me! thank you both for putting this together MWAH
I feel tremendous gratitude to have you as my editor, Erin! I always know my words will be received with such care. I also love these observations from your experience - they’re so honest, resonant, and reassuring. ❤️
Dana is a star!!! I'm so grateful to you for putting together this wonderful piece and to Dana for speaking candidly about her sobriety experiences. You already know, but this is exactly what I needed to read.
Thank you, Sarah!
This is great. I stopped drinking 15 months ago, like you I had no middle ground. I didn’t understand the point of 1-2 drinks, I was all-in. I read a lot and also used Annie Grace’s book and program to help get me through the tough times. I love not drinking and my “North Star” has been getting back to my authentic self (the good and the bad). Alcohol helped me play a role for many years; extroverted, socially comfortable and life of the party which is not who I am. So now I am perhaps not as exciting but I am at peace with myself. It’s the best decision I could have made.
"Alcohol helped me play a role for many years; extroverted, socially comfortable and life of the party which is not who I am." Barry, I relate so much to this. It was really shocking to me when I got sober and found out I'm actually an introvert. 😅
Yes, Kaitlyn! Alcohol changes our personalities. I learned that drinking shuts down the pre-frontal cortex (rational decision-making) in our brains. Inhibitions and social anxiety are temporarily gone. Crazy!
i’m so happy to hear sobriety has been great for you Barry 🤗
Thanks, Valerie. I really enjoyed your chat with Dana. Thanks for sharing with us 💜
Love this piece! And admire both of you for being so open and honest. Thanks!
I have not fully stopped drinking, but can go months without. My main reason to change my drinking habit, besides all the things mentioned in your article, was that it made me tired. One glass of wine after work and my evening was lost.
thank you for reading Gerti!
this is such an important essay. i really enjoyed reading this. thank you for being vulnerable enough to share it <3
thank you dear <3
Such an important topic! Almost five years sober too, and for similar reasons, I can relate to everything in this interview. Turns out I just like elaborated drinks and keeping company, no need for anything else. I found out that being sober yourself creates a positive influence in people, they are willing to trade their drinks for the mocktail to try out and makes them more comfortable in not drinking themselves
five years is huge!! wow
Absolutely loved this piece and all the wonderful advice and vulnerability from both of you!
thank you my dear!! i’m glad!
I've been sober for a year and a half for health reasons (I do have doctor's orders not to drink bc of a health condition), and I completely understand where you're coming from. Those first months are hard and awkward. But Dana did an excellent job at explaining the benefits of going sober and how amazing you will feel! My advice for making sobriety fun: enjoy all the mocktails/zero proof drinks while you're out, and enjoy the show when observing people who are drunk haha.
i’m enjoying all the mocktails i can get my hands on! Dana indeed was wonderful to talk to. thank you for sharing Maria, you’re doing amazing <3
I relate to so much of what was said in this essay and interview. I have been sober off and on for the past 12 years. I really relate to wanting to be a "normal" drinker, but even when I come back to drinking moderately, it always ended up in binge drinking on the weekends. Like Dana said, even small amounts of alcohol affect my sleep and self-esteem, and the hangover anxiety for me was crippling.
I finally decided to go completely sober for good this year. In previous times it would be for a month, or for a year, or for six months. But now I want to just choose a better life for myself. I have experimented so much with sobriety over the years and I know I am my happiest and most productive when I am sober.
I have always said that I want to make my life a masterpiece, and alcohol does not fit into that equation. I finally just realized that I can be successful and fulfill all of my dreams, or I can get drunk on the weekends. I cannot do both. And when I look at it this way, it's not a hard choice.
I have a lot more to say on this, but I want to add that I think alcohol served a purpose over the years to help me cope with a lot of things. I know that's not the conventional way to look at alcohol use, but after doing many years of therapy and self-healing, I no longer want to check out and avoid the issues that alcohol was letting me avoid. I want to be present and live my life, and I am working on forgiving myself for the self-harm I have done by consuming so much poison over the years.
Nope I'm 13 years sober tomorrow. After spending my entire life ruled by alcohol and delusion. I've never had it so good
happy 13 years Richard! you rock!
Happy sober birthday, Richard!
This is a great discussion. Alcohol slowly phased itself out of my life over several years, due to health issues, but I can echo much of what Dana says. The clarity and connection to self and others are much greater without alcohol present. My yoga and meditation practices have reached deeper layers. I can hear my intuition more clearly. And my choices around socialising have changed - these days I prefer to meet people for brunch, a walk, or a trip to the beach. I tend to avoid bars and parties, which as an introvert are no longer tolerable without the buffer of booze. But as I've aged through my 40s and beyond, this does not feel like a loss! My husband still drinks, and that can be a point of disconnect at times, but it hasn't been insurmountable. We respect each other's choices on the whole.
Thank you for inviting me to have such an honest and beautiful conversation, Valerie. It can feel scary to share in a new space, and my heart is so full reading the inspiring, generous comments. ❤️
I find that I’m very sober curious and reading this has really nudged me in one way. Thank you ♥️