so much of this felt like you picked a lock on the most secretive parts of my brain and snuck in. in a way it's comforting to know other people are experiencing something similar. but on the other hand, where is my bf fr...
"I’m a tall child on a playground everybody else has outgrown, and I’m having trouble not taking it to heart." exactly this. its not cute and funny anymore like i'm scared...
i feel this so hard. i wrote something very similar in april, and also had huge doubts on posting it because of how personal it was to me. ("Can someone change the prophecy" on April 24.)
What you said about not needing attention is so true and something that is hard to explain to non-single friends. this : "but I’ve lived enough years to know these kinds of people will dissipate at the mere attempt of bridging a connection. " is exactly it. getting attention for looks is not the same as getting attention for who you are, and builiding a lasting connection with someone. I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know that I relate. <3
one thing that I remind myself in the lower moments of singledom is that love can be participatory, but life feels entirely new when you believe you ~are~ love. I love myself and my place in the world a lot more when I believe it.
Martha Beck is a wonderful resource for this kind of thinking. Also she did a few interviews on the podcast we can do hard things — her interview from 2022 kind of changed my life. If you’re interested I can find the episode title.
It’s “How to Come Home to Yourself,” episode 66 of “We Can Do Hard Things.” I listened to it 2-3 times and have since read a couple of her books. She’s brilliant!
"love will come when you least expect it" is kind of bs even when it is true. what's more truthful is the idea that love always feels unexpected because it is powerful, transgressive, undeserved, and separate from the metrics by which you are valued "by society"
I just had a conversation with my therapist about it. It is so hard to see all your friends getting in relationships, and don't get me wrong I am the happiest for them, but it also makes me feel deeply lonely.
I read this and the first thing I wanted to do was offer you a hug. I have had this exact conversation with myself more times than I would like to ever admit. So I will say this. It is not you. It really isn't. You are a wonderful, beautiful thing all on your own. And I hope you know that don't need a man to make you feel whole, but I know exactly what it is like to crave a relationship, to want to love and be loved in return. I have been you. I was you for so long.
For the relationships that haven't worked out, I think of this quote: "Our fates have been entwined... but never joined." — James Norrington (From the Pirates of the Caribbean.) And in these cases, it's nobody's fault but the universe. He's not for you. Not this one.
Your raw honesty is beautiful. It's never shameful. This post, these larger-than-life feelings are felt by so many people, myself included. I hope love finds you soon. I can't wait to read about it when it does.
as a late bloomer who is afraid of dating but also a lover girl to my core but also very shy and reserved and only gets a crush like once every few years but also yearning for romance but also disillusioned with dating—felt this lmao.
A couple years ago both my best friend and I went on first dates. Hers turned out to be the love of her life meanwhile I was basically played by a fuckboy and am still reaping the emotional consequences. Watching my best friend fall in love while I have not been on another date since has been this weird mix of self-pity and adoration for seeing genuine romantic love so up close and personal and witnessing how it’s changed my friend into the best version of herself.
But I like who I’ve become these past 2 years and have enjoyed my life as a single girl. I don’t need to meet my soulmate right now but a committed relationship with someone for as long as we are compatible would be nice. But the possibility of romance sometimes feels more exciting than romance itself. But also where’s my bf for real.
A lot of people get into relationships that are objectively incredible, sustainable and loving — and then fritter them away to greed, or impulsivity, or shortsightedness, or grudge-bearing, or choosing petty vindication over charitable compassion, or the thousand other expressions of death-drive with which we are all condemned.
There is one good thing that can come out of this ache — it can inoculate you from death-drive, if you let it. It’s not cringe to reflect and feel deeply about this temporary loneliness. It’s critical, it's useful (sorry for being such a boy) — so one day when you’re with a man you love very much, if he has done the same reflecting, life will be mint. Fights will quickly de-escalate and conclude with the relationship strengthened. Destructive temptations will have no power. Every saboteur inside and out will be thwarted.
Surely — to me at any rate — that’s love worth waiting and suffering for.
The uncertainty of being single is strangely both the worst thing and best thing about it. It can either feel like staring into an empty ungenerous void wishing you had the will to control it. Or it can feel like rollercoaster you're willingly surrendering to... knowing that the meet-cute could be tomorrow and the dizzy falling-in-love phase all ahead of you to look forward to. It depends on the day ❤️
I’ve been feeling the same way ever since this year. Knowing that I’m surrounded by all this love yet feeling so lonely anyways. Especially considering that I’m also queer as well, you literally took the words out of my brain. Honestly you’re so right, where is my bf?
Valerie, thank you for opening up your heart here. If I’d read this when I was younger, I would’ve been in tears, because this is so similar to how I used to feel. I’m not going to give any advice, both because you didn’t ask and because partnered people have an amnesiac tendency to forget how they, too, were fumbling in the dark before meeting someone, but the truth is that there’s nothing wrong with you. Your partnered friends aren’t more evolved or less selfish or more loveable. They all happened to get lucky. They found someone at the right place at the right time and those two people had to both decide to make it work. That’s no an easy thing to achieve.
The other thing I’ll say is that there’s no way your partnered friends hang out with you out of pity. There’s a boring sort of calmness to any relationship, and it’s a breath of fresh air to spend time with someone who isn’t your partner (no matter how happy you are and how much you love this person). Friends are foundational, and you’re still foundational in your partnered friends’ lives.
Lastly, a funny thing happened when I finally got into a relationship: every partnered friend I envied When I was single suddenly broke up. Now I’m the sole partnered one in my lte twenties 🤷🏻♀️
so much of this felt like you picked a lock on the most secretive parts of my brain and snuck in. in a way it's comforting to know other people are experiencing something similar. but on the other hand, where is my bf fr...
❤️❤️ i feel honored it resonated with you
"I’m a tall child on a playground everybody else has outgrown, and I’m having trouble not taking it to heart." exactly this. its not cute and funny anymore like i'm scared...
same kayla same 🥲
this piece is so incredibly important to me oh my goodness; an expression of all the things i really have been too afraid to say.
ugh i love you! thank you for saying this ❤️
i feel this so hard. i wrote something very similar in april, and also had huge doubts on posting it because of how personal it was to me. ("Can someone change the prophecy" on April 24.)
What you said about not needing attention is so true and something that is hard to explain to non-single friends. this : "but I’ve lived enough years to know these kinds of people will dissipate at the mere attempt of bridging a connection. " is exactly it. getting attention for looks is not the same as getting attention for who you are, and builiding a lasting connection with someone. I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know that I relate. <3
excited to read your piece! thank you Elizabeth – we’re in this together ❤️
❤️
one thing that I remind myself in the lower moments of singledom is that love can be participatory, but life feels entirely new when you believe you ~are~ love. I love myself and my place in the world a lot more when I believe it.
But where the hell are our boyfriends!!!!
you’re absolutely right Ryann 💕 have to consciously remind myself of that
Martha Beck is a wonderful resource for this kind of thinking. Also she did a few interviews on the podcast we can do hard things — her interview from 2022 kind of changed my life. If you’re interested I can find the episode title.
thank you for the rec – i’m diving in!
Thank you ♥️
Yes please! Episode title 🫶🏼
It’s “How to Come Home to Yourself,” episode 66 of “We Can Do Hard Things.” I listened to it 2-3 times and have since read a couple of her books. She’s brilliant!
"is this fucking play about us?"
thank you for sharing—you captured exactly how i feel all the time, it's scary
Angelina ❤️❤️ HONORED to be spiraling over the same things as you
girl the feeling is MUTUAL !!!!
how poignant! <3
"love will come when you least expect it" is kind of bs even when it is true. what's more truthful is the idea that love always feels unexpected because it is powerful, transgressive, undeserved, and separate from the metrics by which you are valued "by society"
i’m saving this comment to re-read again and again
I just had a conversation with my therapist about it. It is so hard to see all your friends getting in relationships, and don't get me wrong I am the happiest for them, but it also makes me feel deeply lonely.
i feel you ❤️🩹
I read this and the first thing I wanted to do was offer you a hug. I have had this exact conversation with myself more times than I would like to ever admit. So I will say this. It is not you. It really isn't. You are a wonderful, beautiful thing all on your own. And I hope you know that don't need a man to make you feel whole, but I know exactly what it is like to crave a relationship, to want to love and be loved in return. I have been you. I was you for so long.
For the relationships that haven't worked out, I think of this quote: "Our fates have been entwined... but never joined." — James Norrington (From the Pirates of the Caribbean.) And in these cases, it's nobody's fault but the universe. He's not for you. Not this one.
Your raw honesty is beautiful. It's never shameful. This post, these larger-than-life feelings are felt by so many people, myself included. I hope love finds you soon. I can't wait to read about it when it does.
Natalie, this is so so beautiful 💕 sending you love. thank you so much
as a late bloomer who is afraid of dating but also a lover girl to my core but also very shy and reserved and only gets a crush like once every few years but also yearning for romance but also disillusioned with dating—felt this lmao.
A couple years ago both my best friend and I went on first dates. Hers turned out to be the love of her life meanwhile I was basically played by a fuckboy and am still reaping the emotional consequences. Watching my best friend fall in love while I have not been on another date since has been this weird mix of self-pity and adoration for seeing genuine romantic love so up close and personal and witnessing how it’s changed my friend into the best version of herself.
But I like who I’ve become these past 2 years and have enjoyed my life as a single girl. I don’t need to meet my soulmate right now but a committed relationship with someone for as long as we are compatible would be nice. But the possibility of romance sometimes feels more exciting than romance itself. But also where’s my bf for real.
A lot of people get into relationships that are objectively incredible, sustainable and loving — and then fritter them away to greed, or impulsivity, or shortsightedness, or grudge-bearing, or choosing petty vindication over charitable compassion, or the thousand other expressions of death-drive with which we are all condemned.
There is one good thing that can come out of this ache — it can inoculate you from death-drive, if you let it. It’s not cringe to reflect and feel deeply about this temporary loneliness. It’s critical, it's useful (sorry for being such a boy) — so one day when you’re with a man you love very much, if he has done the same reflecting, life will be mint. Fights will quickly de-escalate and conclude with the relationship strengthened. Destructive temptations will have no power. Every saboteur inside and out will be thwarted.
Surely — to me at any rate — that’s love worth waiting and suffering for.
this is so beautiful. thank you ❤️
The uncertainty of being single is strangely both the worst thing and best thing about it. It can either feel like staring into an empty ungenerous void wishing you had the will to control it. Or it can feel like rollercoaster you're willingly surrendering to... knowing that the meet-cute could be tomorrow and the dizzy falling-in-love phase all ahead of you to look forward to. It depends on the day ❤️
your writing style is so raw and beautifully compelling <3
that means a lot to me, thank you 💕💕
I’ve been feeling the same way ever since this year. Knowing that I’m surrounded by all this love yet feeling so lonely anyways. Especially considering that I’m also queer as well, you literally took the words out of my brain. Honestly you’re so right, where is my bf?
queerness can absolutely add to the isolation, i feel you! sending many hugs
Valerie, thank you for opening up your heart here. If I’d read this when I was younger, I would’ve been in tears, because this is so similar to how I used to feel. I’m not going to give any advice, both because you didn’t ask and because partnered people have an amnesiac tendency to forget how they, too, were fumbling in the dark before meeting someone, but the truth is that there’s nothing wrong with you. Your partnered friends aren’t more evolved or less selfish or more loveable. They all happened to get lucky. They found someone at the right place at the right time and those two people had to both decide to make it work. That’s no an easy thing to achieve.
The other thing I’ll say is that there’s no way your partnered friends hang out with you out of pity. There’s a boring sort of calmness to any relationship, and it’s a breath of fresh air to spend time with someone who isn’t your partner (no matter how happy you are and how much you love this person). Friends are foundational, and you’re still foundational in your partnered friends’ lives.
Lastly, a funny thing happened when I finally got into a relationship: every partnered friend I envied When I was single suddenly broke up. Now I’m the sole partnered one in my lte twenties 🤷🏻♀️
lala ❤️ thank you for this. i appreciate your words & you
A beautiful and relatable read from a 28 single, bisexual girl 🩷