First of all, hi to everyone who subscribed last week — thank you for all the love on the latest post. I’m quite surprised and still on a high because I felt a little juvenile writing that one, and to see it resonate with so many of you is arguably the best feeling in the world. Talk about a lover girls union!!
I spent the long Easter weekend in not one, but two bad places: 1. in my head 2. on a mediocre date I should’ve just canceled. There were some valid reasons for my state of mind, but also Mercury’s in retrograde, and the vibes have been catastrophically off. While trying to figure out how to make myself feel better in a way that doesn’t involve draining my wallet or an Easter candy binge, I went for a walk and wrote down some things I’d love to share with you.
I’m a big hater of most self-help content out there, but I figured these are a bit different from what you’d normally see. Take what resonates and leave the rest.
it mattered to them, too
I struggle with insignificance. This includes feeling forgettable and not important enough to have made a difference in people’s lives. Like my presence alone is not sufficient to influence anyone, anywhere, at any point in time. It’s such a dumb feeling — like what do you mean I’m scared of being forgotten? I believe this is why I’m naturally inclined to overcompensate with grand gestures and look for avenues to inflate my presence artificially. But time and time again, life has proven to me I matter regardless of what I do or don’t do: sometimes it’s a sweet email from a subscriber. Other times it’s an ex keeping tabs from a fake ig account (followers: 0; following: 1). A friend sending me a meme that is “so me”. Being approached at a party asking if I’m the girl from Astrowonders.
Little signals that you, and perhaps all the different versions of you, exist outside of your perception and the delicate interior of your life are so crucial — collect them all. Sure, you can’t be the central gravitational force in everyone’s story, but you wouldn’t want the pressure of that anyway. I like to think of myself as a comet: bright enough to get noticed, briefly passing by, slightly attention-seeking, not always that big of a deal, but always remembered by those who observed it. Impactful by choice; slight chance of collision.
all feelings are brave feelings
The more I observe the women in my life — and I’m fortunate to be surrounded by women who move through life boldly, loudly, with an all-encompassing embrace of everything that comes their way — the more I think, maybe, there’s no such thing as feeling too much of something, despite what we’ve been told. Emotions can feel excessive, burdensome. But we shouldn’t measure them on a spectrum of “not enough” and “too much”. Maybe they’re too sacred to try and measure at all. Plath said: “I don't know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely.”
I refuse to presume one’s coldness is superior to my extravagant display of feelings. Sure, I’ve cried in situations where crying was not a socially acceptable response. I’ve yearned for people who barely thought of me. I bought rare vinyl records for an ex that didn’t know what music I liked. I shoved a love note into the suitcase of someone I never saw again. But I refuse to reflect negatively on any of it. I’d rather feel everything with 10x intensity than nothing at all. Nonchalantness is just not on the menu tonight, or ever. Do me a favor: next time you feel something very strongly, do something to honor it. I dunno, wrap it with a bow. Sleep on it. Indulge in it. Have a little diet coke.
you are not above what your body needs
I have to consciously remind myself I’m not above physical comfort. Being at odds with your body is nothing new, really — do I have to go on a tangent about women’s relationship with their bodies? What I’m saying is we need to stop perceiving our physical needs as less than, as if ignoring them somehow makes us better, more godly, less mortal. It’s a waste of time: you were given this vessel for a reason — it’s up to you whether you treat it gently or violently. But why the latter? What’s the point of being dismissive and cruel if you’re the only one who gets to exist in your body? Between unnecessary self-punishment and sheer pleasure, I think the choice is pretty obvious.
Your body needs blankets, good food, candles, long naps, big hugs, hot showers, and the snooze button at times. It’s not always glamorous and it’s not about self-care as we know it: it’s just that the most basic of your needs are the foundation for blossoming. Very simple, but oh so hard. Woolf’s “One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well” changed my life. I also realized I’ll never feel comfortable around people who ignore their physical needs. It’s fascinating how much better I feel when I treat my body nicely.. Abraham Maslow made some points for sure.
I walked into a really nice authentic Japanese place close to my house. A quiet dinner in a dimly lit space was the closest I felt to religion in a while. Happy Easter, indeed.
being is more chic than becoming
The more I think about how productivity and hustle culture have plagued our lives, the angrier I get. When has life become so passively demanding? Even rest and downtime have been commodified — they’re being advocated as a means for you to become more productive later on. Rest now to feel refreshed and therefore get more stuff done later. Well, maybe I don’t want to get anything done at all. Maybe I need to barely exist in this moment. My nothingness doesn’t have a deadline, and I’ll gladly float in here for as long as I want.
Preserving your power is as worthwhile as executing it. No one’s keeping score. Rest religiously, with pride and glamour.
some bad thoughts are not yours to have
Just because you’re thinking something doesn’t necessarily make it true. Perspective is fluid, for better or for worse. Your brain is a sponge, absorbing information and grasping for clarity.
Give yourself permission to let go of beliefs that are hurting you. Everything you know about love, loneliness, pain, fear, abandonment, or grief can be reframed in a way that’s gentle on the mind and kind on the soul. Who makes the rules anyway? It’s your mind. You only get one of these per lifetime. Tidy it up, light some candles in there, and make it a cozy place to be.
I love you <3 have a good rest of your week. Get some sushi. Stop worrying about stuff that hasn’t happened yet. You have been happy before, you will be happy again.
with reticence,
valerie
This felt like a warm hug from a good friend. Thank you
you always come when the time is right i loved this piece 🍓